On change & motherhood.

Got tears. Hot, messy, free flown tears tonight.  The kind that just roll down your face and won't stop. The kind of tears that get triggered by something and then keep coming down without reason.  I told Ryan it was good and felt very cleansing.  He looked and me as said, "it really doesn't look like it feels good." Ha ha!  He's right. I look horrible and I just wiped my nose on the side of my robe. (*note to self, wash that sometime) At least it is easing the "pit of change" that sits there like a giant bolder hot glued to the bottom of my stomach, pleading with my head to go through memories like they are in a yearbook video being played to the tune of some sad but heartwarming Sarah McLachlan song.  And I can't say no to that scenario very good, I am sucker for those videos.  I am also kind of a sucker for melting down to change.  As a teenager I was a hot mess, God bless Wayne and Suz because there was a lot of crying wailing.  Thankfully, it gradually got easier for me to move through the seasons of my own life with grace-ish-ness.

Then I had babies.

And they are beautiful and oh so precious and growing at the speed of light and they are mine times 3!  So I am learning all over again about milestones and how to approach them and move through them and move on towards the next day.  Dwelling on the past gets me no where but a bigger puddle of tears and frankly I barely have time to pee without an "incident" (eh ehmmmm Sawyer, I know it was you who let that stolen fudge-sickle melt all over the carpet) much less find a spare half hour to Sarah McLachlan montage it up.  There's nothing I can do to change that time will, without a doubt keep moving faster than I'd like.  Plus, there's 3 of them, so I not only live through my stuff every year but multiple of theirs.  A lot of times "theirs" is harder on my heart than "mine".  3 times of starting a new school year and 3 times of ending the school year and 3 birthdays every year and all the other life that comes in-between.  How do I keep myself from crying all the time??!!??

I remember sitting in my dining room at the sweet little house we had just finished fixing up in Omaha staring through the front windows just rubbing my belly over and over again.  Imagining myself with a baby.  Me as mom.  Actually happening.  I just didn't feel ready.  It wasn't the timing I was thinking.  But there I was.  And I would I encourage myself by having little motivational talks in my head, "you with a baby...I can totally see that.  You can totally roll with a baby.  An elementary aged kid...that's for another time, another day, another lady.  But a baby, we can do that.  Just take this little surprise bundle one day at a time."  And just a thousand or so days at a time later, I've arrived.  Plus I have 2 more.  I am that lady.  (self high five)

And it's bittersweet.

Life is just plain ole bittersweet.

It makes it amazing though. Bitter makes the sweet, sweeter.  So here's my plan...instead of drawn out cry feasts and pits in my stomach for days and sad feelings invading my time and thoughts I am choosing something else.  A few hot mess tears...yes, for good measure.  I firmly believe you gotta grieve before you go forward.  But then I am cutting it off.  I am choosing thankfulness.  What a beautiful year I have had.  God saw fit for me to mother 3 kids through ages 6, 3 & 1 and now onto 7, 4, & 2.  I have got to hear the gorgeous sound of them making each other laugh everyday and even the sound of them making each other cry still means were here and figuring out this family thing.  My daughter went from baby to toddler, and I was there.  I watched through the glass at her first dance class and I get to slip on her ballet shoes to her emphatic giggles every time we go.  She not only crawls but now walks, dances and runs through life.  I have seen both of my sons grow in inches and in heart.  They both made huge strides academically and learned some life along the way too.  Sawyer potty trained  mostly is attempting to be potty trained and he's happy at school.  His teacher's even say he's a social little butterfly at that. Answers to things that weighed on my heart before he started.  Griffin made new friends and learned how to read and started to ask me questions about hard stuff...like why people would treat people who looked different meanly around MLK day.  My heart nearly broke trying to explain to him that the world is just broken but then we had this awesome moment where I got to talk to him in a tangible way about why God is so important and why we need him so much.

Heartbreaking to bigger HEART.
Valleys to mountain tops.

All the tired and messy and frustrating and hard and wonderfully wonderful stuff in-between, and I got to be there for it all.  I got to see my kids live it.  Isn't that the best???!!!?  I am going to take it.  Maybe not everyday will I get to this surge of joy from the mundane & frustrating parts of our life.  In fact I am probably tomorrow going to want to throw in the towel...or at the very least "throw the towel" at one of them.  But I guess what I am getting at is that milestones are for reflection and a moment of being sad, maybe.  But it is also cause for celebration of all that God has allowed to pass through my time.  And it's good to have set times to mark that thankfulness.

So thanks God.  For the great teachers and great kids and great friends that we pray for each night.  As I see this school year come to an end I can truly see such a sweet answer to those prayers.  Each part of this year, the good, bad and ugly has been part of something wonderful and I am so thankful.  I love getting to be the mom in this story and I couldn't have written it better if I had been picking the characters myself.