On change & motherhood.

Got tears. Hot, messy, free flown tears tonight.  The kind that just roll down your face and won't stop. The kind of tears that get triggered by something and then keep coming down without reason.  I told Ryan it was good and felt very cleansing.  He looked and me as said, "it really doesn't look like it feels good." Ha ha!  He's right. I look horrible and I just wiped my nose on the side of my robe. (*note to self, wash that sometime) At least it is easing the "pit of change" that sits there like a giant bolder hot glued to the bottom of my stomach, pleading with my head to go through memories like they are in a yearbook video being played to the tune of some sad but heartwarming Sarah McLachlan song.  And I can't say no to that scenario very good, I am sucker for those videos.  I am also kind of a sucker for melting down to change.  As a teenager I was a hot mess, God bless Wayne and Suz because there was a lot of crying wailing.  Thankfully, it gradually got easier for me to move through the seasons of my own life with grace-ish-ness.

Then I had babies.

And they are beautiful and oh so precious and growing at the speed of light and they are mine times 3!  So I am learning all over again about milestones and how to approach them and move through them and move on towards the next day.  Dwelling on the past gets me no where but a bigger puddle of tears and frankly I barely have time to pee without an "incident" (eh ehmmmm Sawyer, I know it was you who let that stolen fudge-sickle melt all over the carpet) much less find a spare half hour to Sarah McLachlan montage it up.  There's nothing I can do to change that time will, without a doubt keep moving faster than I'd like.  Plus, there's 3 of them, so I not only live through my stuff every year but multiple of theirs.  A lot of times "theirs" is harder on my heart than "mine".  3 times of starting a new school year and 3 times of ending the school year and 3 birthdays every year and all the other life that comes in-between.  How do I keep myself from crying all the time??!!??

I remember sitting in my dining room at the sweet little house we had just finished fixing up in Omaha staring through the front windows just rubbing my belly over and over again.  Imagining myself with a baby.  Me as mom.  Actually happening.  I just didn't feel ready.  It wasn't the timing I was thinking.  But there I was.  And I would I encourage myself by having little motivational talks in my head, "you with a baby...I can totally see that.  You can totally roll with a baby.  An elementary aged kid...that's for another time, another day, another lady.  But a baby, we can do that.  Just take this little surprise bundle one day at a time."  And just a thousand or so days at a time later, I've arrived.  Plus I have 2 more.  I am that lady.  (self high five)

And it's bittersweet.

Life is just plain ole bittersweet.

It makes it amazing though. Bitter makes the sweet, sweeter.  So here's my plan...instead of drawn out cry feasts and pits in my stomach for days and sad feelings invading my time and thoughts I am choosing something else.  A few hot mess tears...yes, for good measure.  I firmly believe you gotta grieve before you go forward.  But then I am cutting it off.  I am choosing thankfulness.  What a beautiful year I have had.  God saw fit for me to mother 3 kids through ages 6, 3 & 1 and now onto 7, 4, & 2.  I have got to hear the gorgeous sound of them making each other laugh everyday and even the sound of them making each other cry still means were here and figuring out this family thing.  My daughter went from baby to toddler, and I was there.  I watched through the glass at her first dance class and I get to slip on her ballet shoes to her emphatic giggles every time we go.  She not only crawls but now walks, dances and runs through life.  I have seen both of my sons grow in inches and in heart.  They both made huge strides academically and learned some life along the way too.  Sawyer potty trained  mostly is attempting to be potty trained and he's happy at school.  His teacher's even say he's a social little butterfly at that. Answers to things that weighed on my heart before he started.  Griffin made new friends and learned how to read and started to ask me questions about hard stuff...like why people would treat people who looked different meanly around MLK day.  My heart nearly broke trying to explain to him that the world is just broken but then we had this awesome moment where I got to talk to him in a tangible way about why God is so important and why we need him so much.

Heartbreaking to bigger HEART.
Valleys to mountain tops.

All the tired and messy and frustrating and hard and wonderfully wonderful stuff in-between, and I got to be there for it all.  I got to see my kids live it.  Isn't that the best???!!!?  I am going to take it.  Maybe not everyday will I get to this surge of joy from the mundane & frustrating parts of our life.  In fact I am probably tomorrow going to want to throw in the towel...or at the very least "throw the towel" at one of them.  But I guess what I am getting at is that milestones are for reflection and a moment of being sad, maybe.  But it is also cause for celebration of all that God has allowed to pass through my time.  And it's good to have set times to mark that thankfulness.

So thanks God.  For the great teachers and great kids and great friends that we pray for each night.  As I see this school year come to an end I can truly see such a sweet answer to those prayers.  Each part of this year, the good, bad and ugly has been part of something wonderful and I am so thankful.  I love getting to be the mom in this story and I couldn't have written it better if I had been picking the characters myself.

Our Alice!

This Spring we also got to celebrate Ali & Brian at our house with a little wonderland shower!  I have  had it in my head to do this theme for forever and loved watching it come together!  Andy and I have called Ali "Alice" since we were kids as kind of a joke and it stuck, so I couldnt resist!  It was such a fun day to have friends and family over to TOAST my baby sister in her new marriage!

 

and more cake!  The crowning jewel of all my parties.  What is better than opening up a box or bag and finding cake...nothing!  Are these not the cutest things you have ever seen??!!!

Richard girls all showered up!

And after the shower we did a joint cousin birthday for all 5 kids...where there was more cake.  Seriously, I should weigh like 500 pounds by now.  It had all of their ages around it....1,2,3,4 & 7!

 It was a blast to have all the kids together running and bubble blowing for a night!  

Perfect way to cap off a day of celebrations!

It's s SPRING thing.

Well Spring certainly could not come fast enough for us.  We are so ready to be out and about, running, riding, playing, digging and breathing in the fresh air.  Spring is taking it's sweet time, there's no doubt, but we've enjoyed the warmer weather none the less.  This pic above is us on Easter, we rode our bike to McDonalds when we got home from all the festivities and got chocolate shakes.  We don't look super Eastery but I think this is a very real representation of us.  Covered in dirt and sweat and chocolate and still smiling (or trying to!).

 

C with Grandpa Wayne on Easter, just to document we were dressed up at one point!

And somehow this Spring Crosbi turned 2!  My baby!!  We had so much fun celebrating her sweet life with our family and friends.  As I am looking at the pictures from her birthday they are mostly Crosbi and some form of dessert or sugary delicacy.  I have no excuses.  We gotta do it up when you turn two I guess??!!??  We started the day off with our Birthday donut tradition and Daddy and Griffin both came with us before school and work!  It was a super fun treat!

 

That night we ate Watermelon cake (which I can't say I highly recommend) and surprised you with presents and a pink kitchen in your room.  The boys got you pink legos, which as I am sure you guess were actually for them because they spent the rest of the night playing with them.  

A few nights later we celebrated with more family and friends. ...both sets of Grandparents, Ali & Brian, the Eglys, Micks & Hustons!  It was a full house and we had a blast eating pizza and cake and running around like crazy.  We of course watched frozen in the background and ran barefoot until the sun went down in the back yard!  The cake and cupcakes delighted me so much it was almost unhealthy and seriously they tasted as good and cute as they looked!  How awesome are they??!!  

Oh Doc Crosbi!!!!!

Dearest Crosbi Lucille,

You are loved.  You are adored.  You are adorable.  You are also feisty.  You got 'tude.  

You know what you what and you don't stop till you get it. (could be good or bad)

You are fearless.  You are free.  You are perfect.  

I love you my spunky 2 year old.  

There is nothing more I could have asked God for, you are every perfect gift.

Happy Birthday!!

 

In case you were wondering what Beanie has been up to all Spring, don't worry.  He's been up to all his usual antics...like spilling stuff all over the floor where I have just vacuumed, pictured below...

or celebrating with an ice cream after his spring school music program where he stuck his finger in his friends mouth during a song and said friend bit down.  

This guy keeps it fresh.

We snuck in a quick trip to Nebraska this Spring and got to see all the cousins (big & small), celebrate Hudon's 2nd birthday and meet his sweet brother Hayes.  Griffy had to stay home on this trip and go to school but I don't think he minded much after finding out 

he got to sleep at Charlie's house!

Richard girls

Eccleston Family at the Zoo for Huddy's birthday!

And these two.  I could not wrap up this season of our lives with out sharing about our 

BFF/enemies.  They kill me with there undying love and how it can turn on a dime to a mortal combat type situation.  I was making the bed the other day and looked down to spot them like this, unprompted.  It melted me.  But they also fight like cats and dogs.  They don't like to do much apart and are always asking where the other is if they are separated.  I am so glad they are bonding so much.  We are loving seeing our kiddos become sweet friends.

Crosbi and I got to come with Beanie on his field trip to the fire station.  For as serious as C Lu looks, she absolutely loved every minute of it and acted as though she were part of the class.  

I think we have our hands full with this one! 

Also, Griff...please don't be offended that there are not too many pictures of your cute face in this post!  I promise now that it's summer and you will be around more, you'll show up in here.  You are so busy finishing up school, playing flag football & tending to all of your social dates around the neighborhood that we don't get to take too many pics of you.  I can't believe you are almost a first grader!  You are getting so big and I am so proud of you!