What Mary (& baby C) has been teaching me...

This morning I am up before either of my boys. I can't fall back asleep, so I am just sitting here nestled in bed enjoying the boxing match that's going on inside my tummy. I feel overwhelming bliss (and sometimes a little ouch! too) every time I get knocked. The anticipation of another 3 to 4 months to just hold her and have her in my arms seems way too long, yet I know in a blink of an eye, I'll be laying in this very bed (God willing) nestled in with her.

I SERIOUSLY CAN'T WAIT!!

And that statement is more than true. I am not a really good WAITER. Patience is one of those fruits of the spirit that I need to go pick and eat more of. There seems to be nothing "I" can do to make things go faster, BUT while I am waiting for things I have discovered I can create a lot of fear and worry. I can sit around and concoct detailed scenarios where this pregnancy ends in death and destruction for both of us. I can make myself sick with worry about not feeling kicks at the same time, birth defects that go along with having diabetes or the risks of having a 3rd C-section. It seems to me that part of this lies in just being a mother. It's our instinct from the beginning to protect and want our children to live full and happy lives with us.

I've been thinking and praying through this pregnancy for these feelings to subside though, even if just a little. I have a feeling this could be the last pregnancy for me, the last time I get the outrageous joy of feeling a baby inside of me. And even though I am not a person who just LOVES being pregnant, I do LOVE the privilege of it and behind all the challenges it presents to me, I feel overwhelmed at the fact that I was able to have children at all. I don't want to look back on these *short* months and realize I wasted the whole miracle happening inside of me, by letting fear consume it. I have found in 0 out of the last 3 pregnancies, that none of this worry has come to help me at all or change the outcome of the lives of my children. But old habits die hard I guess.

Christmas this year has landed smack dab in the middle of this pregnancy, right where I needed it (imagine that). Every year since I have been pregnant with Griffin I have found a whole new fascination with the details and amazement of this story. And this morning as I picked up my bible in the quite and started to reread that story over again I am overwhelmed at words and actions I have read thousands of times, yet seem to be new and meant for me in this season. The posture that Mary takes through the whole thing is such a smack in the head for me...

Luke 1:30

"But the angel of the Lord said to her, "Do not be AFRAID"

and then the angel goes on to detail out the plans the Lord has for her, and she responds...

Luke 1:38

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be as you have said."

I am blown away at her ability to just accept. Accept what is. Accept what is put before her. Trust that God has a plan. And I have way more to work with...ultrasound pictures, heart beat checks and the rest of the New Testament which lays out in great detail God's perfect plan for our lives and salvation. She also is a great example of knowing and living the fact that our children aren't ours but on borrow from the Lord, hard as it may be for us mother's to accept that sometimes. Think of the miracle she would have squandered away if she would have sat around analyzing and worrying. Now I am not carrying the son of God, but I just don't think I can afford to waste one of the biggest miracles that will ever happen to me on worry and anxiety either. I am so thankful that Mary's response was recorded in the midst of this huge event going on, and I am going to try and keep her faithful spirit as I journey through the rest of this pregnancy and mother the 3 little darlings I have. I am working on NOT letting fear consume this part of my life...and besides I should as least enjoy my nice thick head of hair, bigger cup size and the fact that I don't have to suck in my belly:)! There's lots of joy in this waiting season and the biggest one is probably RE learning to put my delicate heart in his hands and trusting that it is safe there.

Little Baby C:

Seriously, I CAN NOT wait to hold you. Dress you in pink ruffles & snuggle your newborn days away! The anticipation is killing me. Soon we will get to all this and more. You have already changed my life, and now you are teaching me and reminding me about living a life that isn't full of fear but confidence in God's plan. I hope that I can instill that back to you someday. I love you more than words could ever express already.

mom

Romans 8:15